Dinovember 2018

Hello fans, friends, and frenemies, and a very happy Dinovember to you all! If you’re celebrating the United States harvest festival tomorrow, we hope that it too is a pleasant experience for you, with a minimum of screeching and clawing at the table, and a maximum of delicious carcasses and entrails to devour.

Dear FRs,

I'm hosting Thanksgiving for my family at my house this year and it will be the first time I'll be entertaining such a large group of people in my home. What tips do you have for feeding a crowd? And how can I keep things festive?

-Troubled on Thanksgiving

Dear Troubled:

The first time you host the entire pack can be a nerve-wracking experience, for sure! Luckily, it doesn’t have to end in chaos and tears (unless you think your family will enjoy that) – you just need to break it all down and have a plan.

First, make sure none of your guests have any food allergies or restrictions. Are all of your guests carnivorous, or do you have a few herbivores who will require plants to stay healthy? Is anyone going to go all blotchy if you feed them walnuts? Once you’ve determined these things, it’s easy to create a menu that will please every palate.

Next, figure out which items on your menu you can make ahead! Unless you have a restaurant kitchen, there’s no way everything will be ready at the same time, so instead of making yourself crazy trying, decide which items can be easily reheated, served cold, or might even benefit from a bit of aging. Viscera straight from an animal you’ve disemboweled is tasty, but have you tried it after a bit of rot has set in? Heavenly.

Finally, consider asking your guests to help out a bit. If you’re determined to make the entire meal yourself, let them bring the beverages. If you’re a little more relaxed on letting them contribute, ask them to bring the dessert or bread. Thanksgiving, as we understand it, is supposed to bring your community together to share a meal – so let the community share the cooking!

As for setting a festive table, a few key seasonally appropriate decorations are all you need. Too much cluttering the tablescape won’t leave enough room for the feast. Don’t put your entire skull collection out there – one or two key pieces are just right to set the mood. If skulls aren’t your thing, simple flowers or candles are also nice.

Good luck, Troubled, and good eating!

Dear FRs,

How do I get more bacon?


Dear Mokey:

First, a question for you – how much bacon are you currently receiving? It’s hard to know how far to go with bacon-scamming tactics without knowing your present intake. For example, if your bacon rations at present are at once a week or less, we might recommend seeking out alternative sources – have you asked more than one person for bacon, carefully pretending that the first person didn’t give you any, that in fact you hadn’t even asked anyone else?

That said, we are personally more interested in raw meats than ones that have been processed and salted to death. If you didn’t tear out a creature’s tender throat with your own teeth and claws, is it really worth eating? Food for thought, Mokey, food for thought.

Dear FRs,

Why am I still single?


Dear Misszeale:

We want to start by saying there can be real beauty in a solitary hunt, in knowing that whatever prey you stalk, you stalk alone, solely responsible for capturing and killing it, solely rewarded with its hot blood and tender flesh. To have a pack can be a lot of worry, keeping them together and making sure none are left behind.

However, we also know the joys of companionship and the benefits of having a team to rely on, even if it’s just a team of two. While we are not entirely expert in mammalian courtship rituals, we do know what works for us and our smaller, avian brethren, and that, my darling, is elaborate display! That display can take many forms – you have to figure out what works with your interests and ability. Some look for proof that you will be a good provider – see the bower bird and their arresting nest displays. Perhaps you enjoy LEGO or other building games. Others might be taken in by beautiful plumage – while you probably, sadly, lack a majestic tail, you can make up for it with your clothing or hairstyle. Finally, some spiders and birds just want to see how well a potential mate can shake their groove thang – if you’re an experienced dancer, this tactic might work for you, too!

The best display for you is one that you enjoy doing – something that makes you happy make a good impression on any other being who is worth impressing. Plus, if you’re having fun already, companionship will just be an added bonus in your already fabulous life.

Dear FR,

What outfit is best when smashing the patriarchy? Asking for a friend.

- Resisting Raptor

Dear Resisting:

When smashing the patriarchy, you will want to wear something comfortable and breathable. It shouldn’t be too loose, so that you don’t snag or become too easy to catch. Additionally, you’ll want it to be easy to clean – resistance can be messy work. That said, don’t be afraid to add a little flair and show your personality – taking down toxic masculinity should be fun, not just work! We're fond of glitter, sequins, and kicky accessories for those days when you need to stand out. On occasions you need a bit more subtlety to stalk your prey, you might choose a tee-shirt with a humorous slogan or picture. The most important thing to remember is that it's all about you - what makes you feel comfortable, powerful, and authoritative. So wear what you like, and break through that glass ceiling, girl!

Do you have a question that needs answering? Send the Fashion Raptors a line care of ladiesofcomicazi at gmail dot com and we may answer it in a future column. Until then, happy hunting!