Happy Valentine’s Day, Ladies fans! In honor of the holiday, we’re bringing you a very special Fashion Raptors column. You see, our friend and Honorary Lady Gary had this blog years ago where he talked about some of his collectibles. His great passion is for Bobby Orr paraphernalia, but he’s no slouch at comic collection, either. A subset of that collection is romance comics – those treasured tales of the 60s and 70’s. Part of these books involved advice columns – the mostly teen, mostly girl readers could write in and lay out their romantic and other dilemmas for the book’s agony aunt to solve. Gary shared a few of these, and we thought that, beyond the historical interest, there was an opportunity here for the Fashion Raptors to weigh in with their own take on the questions. So here it is, the Fashion Raptors’ advice to the lovelorn, next to the originals. Enjoy!
Dear Desperately: Miss Penn is right about one thing – you will never get anywhere with a broken heart. How can you stalk and take down your prey when you are feeling low and sad and sick? Your cardiac muscle needs to be strong and healthy, to give you the energy you need to hunt and to defend your pack. Fortunately, you are what you eat! Find this other girl, stalk her, and eat her heart. You’ll be feeling in peak condition in no time, and your boy will no longer be distracted by her mating display. If he still refuses to return your affection, no problem – eat his too!
Dear Overweight: Your mother is concerned with the wrong things. If your size does not slow you down on the hunt, or stop you from being silent as you stalk your next meal through the jungle, you are fine, and may even have an advantage over smaller, weaker girls. Take our friend Tyrannosaurus Rex for example. At 18,600 lbs to our much more svelte 33 lbs, you might think T Rex was a bit on the zaftig side. Yet many paleontologists believe she was an apex predator, capable of taking down hadrosaurs and ankylosaurs like nobody’s business. We can’t take down anything that big alone! Be proud of who you are and what you can accomplish.
Dear B.R.S.: Miss Andrews has apparently never heard of a good, old-fashioned aggression display. You don’t need to court every male in the school to fend off just one! Instead, puff up your chest, lower your tail, and stare him in the eye firmly and without wavering. He’ll be run off in no time, and you can save your energy for something more important, like polishing your skull collection. If he still doesn’t get the hint, consider unfurling your neck frill – he’ll back right down.
Have questions you want answered by the Raptors? Just email us at ladiesofcomicazi at gmail dot com and we’ll pass ’em on!